Whenever someone pays you a compliment or offers love, you want to reject it thinking you are not worth it. If others admire you, you doubt their sincierity. You can’t love or be loved. If things are going well for you, you sabotage yourself.
You drive away people who want to be kind. You feel you are being mistreated by your friends, co-workers, and even shopkeepers. You feel like an imposter if you achieve something and others appreciate it. You just don’t think highly of yourself, and it is not modesty.
If some of these instances ring a bell in you, then welcome to the world of self hate. Don’t worry, it is a normal psychological weakness for most people that’s present in varying degrees. The bigger issue is most are unaware of such self dislike and hatred themselves. So today we are going to understand it.
Why do we feel we are not worthy of kindness, love, admiration, appreciation, and achievement? It is a function of deficient childhood ego development. No child is born liking themselves or with any sense of self realization. Only as the ego develops, the identity and self form.
This ego development happens through interactions with people around us. And in childhood it is mostly parents, teachers, and friends including siblings. When the most important caregivers like mother or father is either absent around us, or deficient in care giving, or worse bad at it, then we internalize this dislike onto ourselves.
Since we adore our loved ones, like say a mother, who is extremely strict with us, critical or disapproving of us, we internalize the anger and frustration felt at their behavior towards ourselves. And assume ourselves to be flawed and unworthy of love, appreciation, and admiration. Parents and teachers' comments on our intelligence, looks, and abilities make the biggest impacts on a healthy ego development.
The varying degrees of self hate comes from the varying degrees of such absent love, mistreatment, or admonition we go through from parents, teachers, siblings, and friends. It may be very mild, coming out only when an interaction in adulthood reminds us of a childhood instance. Or it may be so constant, coming from a very abusive parenting, that we end up committing suicide feeling worthless.
For most of us, self hate is generally very mild to moderate. And yet with all our objectivity and intelligence, we may miss this weakness in ourselves as it is ever present. So as you read this, ask yourself again if you said "that’s me” to some of the instances pointed out in the beginning of this article.
If so, you have now realized you have self hate or at least some form of self dislike. Now you need to understand this is coming from not yourself but from your introduction to this world by people around you. Just go back in time to the life events you remember where your parents were critical of you, or your friends mean to you.
As you see those flash backs from childhood, tell yourself the truth: The other person, even if it is your own parent, was immature, unnecessarily mean, or overly critical. They failed to show you love or give you advice with kindness. Accept that they mistreated you.
Now feel good that as an adult you realize their mistakes and you won’t be the same. You will show kindness and love to others, especially, children. And that you are now open to receiving love, kindness, appreciation, and admiration because people see you are worth it.
With such reconciliation, you will soon see your life change. Well wishers, whom you were pushing away as fake, frivolous, and plain stupid for appreciating you, will come back into your life and bless you with happiness. Helping you grow and reach your full potential in life.
